My IVF meds came in the mail over the weekend, and with them arrived a whole host of emotions!
A while back, I shared a list of thirteen words that describe my experience with infertility. And since I have an affinity for lists, today I am sharing a list of thirteen words that describe my experience with IVF so far. Since I’ve really only just begun, I imagine this will be the first of two lists: one pre-IVF, and the next post-IVF.
On one hand, I am feeling incredibly…
1) Ready- Let’s get the show on the road! I wish retrieval day was, like yesterday. But at the same time, I am feeling…
2) Unprepared- Or underprepared, at best. I’ve intentionally not researched IVF to death the way I do most things. I have been worried that doing so would get me worked up, stress me out, and just have a negative impact on me all the way around. My general lack of knowledge has left me feeling pretty clueless… following my IVF nurses’s orders blindly. And SO many orders have got me feeling…
3) Overwhelmed- The second the FedEx guy delivered my enormous box of medicines to the front door, a feeling of panic washed over me. How am I going to remember everything?! So. Many. Instructions. So. Much. Medicine. There are so many needles! You give yourself shots, your husband gives you shots, and then you go to the doctor EVERY DAY for seven, eight nine, who knows how many, days… and they stick needles in you too!
4) Terrified- What if it does not work?
5) Skeptical- I am not skeptical of the IVF treatments or procedure, but of myself: Am I emotionally and mentally prepared for this? Because let’s face it: I really have no clue what I am getting us into.
6) Nervous- I am not nervous about actually giving myself the shots, but I am nervous that I will mix the meds up incorrectly (if anyone can mess this up, I can). I am nervous I may drop a vial. It may spill everywhere, and then I will be short on medicine. These are just a couple examples; I’ve thought up plenty of things to be nervous about!
7) Consumed- We are only at the beginning, and I can already hardly focus long enough to have a twenty minute conversation with someone if it’s not about IVF. I can barely think about anything that is not IVF, or IVF-related.
8) Crazy- I often wonder if Andrew and I are truly crazy. Are we crazy to spend so much money on something with no guarantee of it working? But then I think about 60%. That is what our doctor said. She said she things we have a 60% chance of success with IVF. We HAVE to do this! 60% is huge.
9) Anticipation- There are many nights when I cannot fall asleep because I am so unbelievably excited.
10) Insanely blessed- This should have been number one on the list, because in spite of every other emotion I’ve felt over the past couple weeks, this one has prevailed. It is such a God-thing that we are even able to do this right now. The financial commitment is gigantic. Andrew is a full-time student, and logically, it just does not make sense that we could do this right now. But God has provided. My parents have been able to help us, and we are receiving a military discount on the IVF procedure itself. On top of that, just when we were beginning to feel panicked, God sent help from a source that we never, in a million years, could have expected. He really has blown our minds these past few days. In addition to the financial commitment, the time commitment is also big. It would be really difficult to go to work everyday and show up for so many appointments. I do not even know how people do it. But God gave me a job working from home, on [more or less] my own schedule. This was not even something I was looking for when I took the job a year ago! I was desperate, and would have taken any job, but God provided this one.
11) Expectation- We are still expecting God to do great things… Immeasurably more than all we could ask or imagine. That is the kind of God He is. And He loves us with a love that is beyond anything we could ever imagine. No matter what the outcome, that never changes. He has already exceeded our expectations in EVERY way. The fact that
we’ve even made it this far is ALL God.
12) Faith- In our doctor. In my IVF nurse. In the lab. In God’s timing. In His provision.
13) Hopeful- I have not felt this hopeful about our chances in a long time. Actually, I do not think I have felt this hopeful about our chances ever.
After making this list, I prayed that God would release me from any of the above emotions that are not of Him. And then I pondered what Scripture has to say about some of the ways I have been feeling.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”- Philippians 4:6,7
“With God is the sum total of all wisdom and all power. His is the greatest of plans and the deepest of comprehensions.” -Job 12,13 The Voice translation
“People do their best making plans for their lives, but the Eternal guides each step.” -Proverbs 16:9, The Voice translation
“But if we wait expectantly for things we have never seen, then we hope with true perseverance and eager anticipation.” -Romans 8:25, The Voice translation
“Worrying does not do any good. Who here can claim to add even an hour to his life by worrying?” -Matthew 6:34, The Voice translation
“Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” -Matthew 11:28
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11
“This is my command: Be strong and courageous. Never be afraid or discouraged, because I am your God, the Eternal One, and I will remain with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9, The Voice translation
P.S.- Keep in mind, I am writing all of this on Monday morning, before starting any of the injections. At this point, the only things I’ve taken are birth control and antibiotics (in addition to my usual supplements). I start taking Follistim and Menopur tonight, and do not go to the clinic again until Thursday. So really, my experience with IVF is incredibly limited at this point. Not only am I not an expert, but I am also, as I mentioned before, totally clueless. As I learn and experience more, I will share more, in hopes of helping and encouraging others who are preparing to go through the same thing!