The peace I’ve had these past few days is unexplainable… Supernatural. God has given me a peace that passes all understanding, and all He has required of me is to let go.
Let go of the idea I’ve held onto of what our family “should” look like. Let go of the idea of having more children. Let go of trying to conceive naturally. Let go of pursuing any and all fertility treatments.
Letting go of these things has been really, really hard. Trying to conceive has been the motivating factor behind so many of our decisions these past five years. I feel a tremendous weight lifted, and in spite of the loss my heart still mourns, I’m incredibly content. God has filled my heart with gratitude, and joy, and peace.
I have lots of baby things that I’d stored away even after Bonnie had outgrown them, in anticipation of more babies after our second frozen transfer. Accepting that our babies are no more on this earth has been really, really difficult for me. And embracing the idea of not pursuing treatments has been equally as hard, but I know that is what God is calling us to right now. He is calling us to be still, and to be present with the family we do have.
This is really hard to do when I have reminders everywhere of the babies that could have been: clothing that Bonnie has outgrown, a Bumbo seat that she hasn’t needed since she was five months old, a baby swing, infant car seat, bottles, swaddle blankets, baby carriers and wraps that she no longer tolerates… the list could go on.
I took a trip to a local consignment shop that accepted some of our items. As for the rest, it is time to get them out of our house. I’ll be taking them to my mom’s house, for her to store until my sister needs them. If she doesn’t have a girl, then she can decide what she’d like to do with the clothing; everything else is gender neutral.
Going through Bonnie’s things and letting them go has been a far more emotional process than I was prepared for. So far, I’ve not been one to be sad as Bonnie gets older, and transitions into new stages, but holding those teensie clothes, and realizing that I may never have another baby that small was tough. Parting with my Moby wrap? Really tough.
As you might imagine, getting rid of so many things is freeing up lots of space. I’d been keeping Bonnie has outgrown in labeled plastic bins that were completely empty after I got rid of her old clothes. I’ve been able to use the extra storage space to re-organize my craft supplies, and it feels so good to have a proper place for everything.
I don’t know what moving through grief looks like exactly, and I’m sure it’s different for everyone. But for me, getting rid of all these things is crucial. As long as I have them, I’m holding on to a bit of control that I think I have over our fertility and our future as a family. I sense God begging me to release that control to Him, as it’s already His anyway.
So, for me, grieving means opening my hands and releasing these things, along with my own thoughts of what our family should look like, to the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. I do this with a heavy heart, because I wish it were unnecessary; I wish I were pregnant with two babies right now. I wish I were making lists of things we need to buy, instead of things we need to get rid of. But I do it with a trusting heart, knowing who holds my life in His hands.
“And know that the peace of God, a peace that passes all of our human understanding, will stand watch over your hearts and minds in Jesus, the Anointed One.”
-Philippians 4:7, The Voice translation