Looking back at old blog posts, I realized that I complain A LOT about waiting. Waiting is one of the worst parts of infertility… feeling like life is on hold until we get pregnant and have children.
Waiting to be diagnosed with PCOS.
Waiting for ultrasounds.
Waiting for blood work.
Waiting for test results.
Waiting for prescriptions.
Waiting for phone calls from our nurse.
Waiting for our next appointment.
Waiting for our egg transfer.
Waiting to find out how many eggs were retrieved.
Waiting to find out how many eggs made it to day 3.
Waiting to find out how many eggs made it to day 5 and are frozen.
Waiting for our embryos to be biopsied.
Waiting to find out how many embryos are “normal.”
Waiting to heal from severe hyper stimulation.
Waiting for the next cycle to start.
Waiting to find out how many eggs survive the thaw.
Waiting for our egg transfer.
And of course, the two-week wait.
And then there’s the waiting for the nurse to call with the results of the blood pregnancy test… the longest few hours ever!
But really, we are not waiting for our walk through infertility to end before we can get on with our real lives. The waiting is part of our real lives. And clearly, there is LOTS of it! And in all the waiting, there is so much hope… even after enduring the two-week wait countless times, and spending money on countless pregnancy tests that came out negative… there is so much hope in all of that waiting.
And so much [newfound] gratitude. Throughout this journey, I have really been convicted of my ingratitude. We have been given so much, by a Father who loves us so much. He does answer prayers, but he does not adhere to our timelines. He sees things that we cannot see and knows things we cannot know.
He has given us life.
He has given me Andrew.
He has give us four embryos.
He has given me a supportive family.
He has given me a wonderful job, working from home with a flexible schedule that allows me the time to go to as many doctor’s appointments as necessary.
He has brought us to a great fertility clinic.
He has led us to a wonderful doctor, with a wonderful staff.
He has provided for us financially.
He has given us a house in a great neighborhood.
He has given us two vehicles that work well, and will last us until Andrew is out of chiropractic school, and then some.
He has given Andrew passing grades this quarter.
He has brought us to a church where we feel at home.
He has brought new friends into our lives.
He has given us reminders that, even during the lonely season of infertility, we are not alone.
He gives us renewed hope every single day. He is our renewed hope. He’s in both the little things and the big, the good things and the bad, but sometimes I still overlook His presence and His hand.
My mom told me recently about a movie that she and my dad watched together. The movie was about a man who was taking golf lessons from a great golfer in Scotland. The golfer related all of golf to life. He taught golf by teaching life lessons. He told his student not to focus and think on every shot, but rather, learn to enjoy walking between each shot. The golfer said that golf was made for walking, so he better learn to love the walk.
A lot of life is about the waiting. It is about the journey. Right now, our lives are about walking through infertility. They are about the walk. The result is unknown, and largely out of our control. But the walk is not. We can choose to enjoy the walk. We can choose to enjoy the walk even though we do not know where or how it will end up. Because we know that, ultimately, we will end up in heaven with our Maker, for all of eternity. And that makes anything we will endure during our walk on this earth seem bearable, and maybe even, with a bit of practice and gratitude, enjoyable.
So much of life is spent being in between things. It is better to learn to love the walk in between than to constantly focus on what comes next.
The golfer told his pupil that the shots would take care of themselves if he learned to love the walk.
I realize that, in most cases, infertility does not take care of itself. Believe me, I know that. I am not minimizing the struggle, the emotional pain, or the physical discomfort. We do have to be pro-active in the choices we make from day to day.We have to schedule our lives around doctor’s appointments, and our doctor’s appointments around our cycles. Focusing on the end result can become all-consuming. But even the walk through infertility has beautiful moments…. beautiful moments that we will miss if we are fixated on what comes next. Beautiful moments that we can soak in if we can learn somehow to love the walk.
Gratitude is what allows us to love the walk. Giving thanks gives us the fullest life. And I am so thankful. I am thankful to my Savior, to my husband and best friend, to my parents, to my doctor and nurses…. So thankful for so much and so many.
Gratitude lets us love the walk.
“Thankfulness is a secret passage into a room you can’t find any other way… it allows us to discover the rest of God- those dimensions of God’s world, God’s presence, God’s character, that are hidden, always, from the thankless.”